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Body Confidence

confidence

Confidence: It’s an Inside AND an Outside Job!

By | Body Confidence

One of my core beliefs is that true confidence can only be achieved when we work on the inside and the outside of ourselves. These two things are completely interconnected and finding confidence in one cannot be achieved without finding confidence in the other.

Now, while I definitely have a wealth of knowledge around finding confidence in our outer appearance, when it comes to the inner work, I want to introduce you to my friend Selina Man Karlsson. Selina is a previous client of mine and an expert when it comes to the world of inner confidence.

During our time working together I helped Selina elevate her outer confidence and style so it became beautifully aligned with the internal confidence shifts that she’d made in her life.

But I also have first-hand experience of Selina’s therapy work. She helped me make internal shifts at a time when I knew I was going to start speaking at events, but I was afraid of public speaking.

It’s my absolute pleasure to share this interview with you. Selina and I chatted about confidence and self-esteem, and you’ll be introduced to the transformational way she works with her clients using RTT.

This blog is a little longer than usual as there was so much juicy content shared, but I didn’t want to leave anything out, so grab yourself a drink, get comfy and let’s dive in…

I’d love to start by having you tell us a little bit about yourself and how you got into RTT and what RTT is?

Selina: I’m British born Chinese and I’ve been living in Switzerland for almost 20-years. I came over because of my work for a bank, which I worked for, for 13-years before setting up my own company called Curious Courses. I remember going to a conference that was given by a guy called Brian Weiss, who wrote this amazing book called ‘Many Lives, Many Masters’. After the 3-day conference I thought, “WOW, I really want to go deeper into this”. I felt a real urge to start looking and I found Marisa Peer’s Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT) course.

RTT has been developed by Marisa who is spoken about as being the best therapists in England. She combined her 30-years of experience into RTT, and the basis is hypnotherapy. But she also combines quite a few other tools within it to support people. During RTT you’re guided into a very relaxed hypnotic state, and the idea is that if you’re facing an issue or challenge now, you go back to a previous experience where your subconscious mind has been told it wasn’t safe or that something was dangerous.

You’re guided to different points in your life, when you were 5, 10 or it could even be last week. It’s just little points in your life where your subconscious has believed that something was really a big deal at that time. Then by understanding that you’re no longer in that situation anymore you can start turning things around. Then we produce an audio recording that helps you change your belief, which you listen to for 21 days.

So that’s the essence I would say. But there’s quite a few other things depending on what comes up. We have different tools to handle different situations.

So, if I’m understanding this correctly, you go into people’s pasts, and look at what’s triggered them with creating their current thoughts, beliefs, and stories. So, in what way does that help your clients?

Selina: The best way I can describe it is that a belief that you had leads to a thought, which leads to a feeling, which leads to the actions you take, which leads to the results, which feeds back into the belief.

So, let’s use the belief that I’m no good at public speaking as an example. By changing the original belief and giving yourself more positive beliefs like, I look forward to public speaking. And I’m helping other people. Then the thought is, “Well actually I’m going to help other people. It’s not about me, it’s about others.” And the feeling is that you feel a bit calmer about it. The action is that you get up on stage and you’re able to do your thing because you know you’re actually helping other people, you’re not thinking about yourself. And the results are good because these people are happy with what you delivered, and that feeds back into, I’m helping others.

You can see how, by going to the route of the belief, and letting go of something that things change. Your subconscious is always trying to protect you, even if things don’t seem that way. Once you understand that it’s so much easier, because then you can communicate with your subconscious mind and make the changes that you want.

One of the reasons why I’ve been dying to interview you is because I see connections between the work you do and what I do. We’re both providing women with tools to make them feel good about themselves and be confident. I would love to know what advice you’d give someone who may lack confidence or have low self-esteem?

Selina: Well, there’s actually a lot you can do! Let me give you a couple of examples.

First, start identifying the negative voice. Generally, it’s telling you not to be stupid, don’t do that, who do you think you are, and all that kind of nonsense that goes on in your head. Some people call it ‘monkey chatter’, but it can just be a negative voice. The first step is to identify that voice, and then it’s almost like you can observe it. You can start to realise, oh it’s not necessarily me, it’s something else.

A very easy trick is to imagine one of those old radios and that you can turn down the volume dial – or even turn it off completely! Or you have a very positive voice that counteracts it, and you say, “Hold on! Shut up! It’s my turn to talk!”

So, you can either turn the volume off on the voice or you can start talking back. You can ask what the concern is, what’s the worst that can happen? And go to the point where you negotiate with your fear and say, “What if I try this? What if I do that? What will you feel then?” Then things will start changing.

Another thing you can do is journal about your fear. That’s similar to the process of speaking to it and just seeing what it has to say. It’s just a different way of doing it. So, either imagine yourself speaking with it or just writing it out. Then you can get a lot of insight into the situations that have caused you to feel this way.

You recently spoke to the ladies in my Style with Confidence online program and the common challenge that practically everyone shared was seeking validation from others. So, what are your thoughts on that?

Selina: I think it’s something that’s so ingrained in our systems. Even from childhood as a baby, you learn that if you gurgle and smile, you’re going to get a great reaction from your parents. And if you don’t, they’ll say, “What’s wrong with you?” Or make some negative comment. So, it’s really natural because as children we need to please our parents otherwise we might not get our basic needs met. It’s a survival mechanism.

If you think back to how we lived in tribes. The worst thing you could do was be ousted from a tribe because you wouldn’t survive. Nowadays you might survive but it won’t be great. Survival is inbuilt in us, so you can understand that we want to stay cool with our tribe so that we look after each other.

Just having that awareness can help. When you don’t have awareness and you’re doing it automatically then you’re just people pleasing. A lot of us are people pleasers – me included! But sometimes I have to ask myself the question, is this what I really want as well? Giving a little bit of a gap between saying yes to everything or doing something that you think someone would want rather than what you want, allows you to really evaluate and ask if this is what you really want as well.

Monika: For me that’s really important, because when I’m working with clients, often they say they can’t wear something because their husband likes them to look a certain way. This creates an inner conflict. I always say style doesn’t start with your wardrobe it starts with your mindset, goals, and vision – who is the woman that you want to be? How do you want to come across?

You talk about turning the volume down. But when it’s your partner, a friend or family member, what advice would you give someone if they’ve got conflicting dialogues going on?

Selina: Good question! I definitely agree with you – first of all it’s important to find out who this woman wants to be? She’s come for a reason. She’s obviously not happy with something and wants some sort of change. Ultimately, it’s not the other person’s life. It’s her life that she’s choosing, so the first place to start is to accept what she wants. Because it’s very easy to be influenced by others and do what they want.

I believe you won’t feel good until you decide on what you want no matter what anyone else says. Maybe people need to adjust to your new style, but if they really are truly a loved one, a partner, a friend, they will understand and take in your needs. You can’t try to change someone; the person must want to change from within. So, I totally agree with you, start with what the person wants for themself and go from there.

So, what types of challenges can RTT help with?

Selina: Well, there’s many benefits. So, I typically work with people who are procrastinating and are having trouble taking action and doing something they want to do. But I’ve also worked quite a lot with people who are having relationship issues. And they might not be partner relationship issues, it might be a mother/daughter or mother/son relationships and I’ve found that very rewarding too.

I also work a lot with people who see a pattern that they have trouble breaking, for example if they keep having the same pattern repeat itself in relationships. It’s amazing because it can really shift something so easily and quickly. It just works, by reprogramming the mind and putting the work in and being open to going into places to let go of things. Even for very traumatic things we’ve found that it really helps you let go of situations.

One of the things you’ve spoken about in my Style with Confidence program is body confidence. I find this is the number one thing that stops most women from dressing or turning up how they want. If someone came to you for help with body confidence, how would you help them and what would be the 3 tips that you would give?

Selina: I would discuss with them the situations they find themselves in where they’re not comfortable. And then I’d ask them for a wish list on how they would like to feel instead. That might look like: I would love to feel relaxed and comfortable wearing a bikini on the beach. Or I would love to feel confident and strong on stage. Then I would use RTT and then give them an audio of positive affirmations that they listen to for 21 days to really change their mindset.

It’s also important to experiment a bit and play with things. It’s about noticing how you feel doing everyday things. So, wearing a different colour or setting yourself up in a situation where you get to try something new.

It’s also about upgrading your life. I follow Denise Duffield Thomas who talks a lot about upgrading your life and this is the thing you also helped me with – totally upgrading my wardrobe. You came up with pieces that I would never have normally gone for myself. And I love that. I was really happy with the work we did together because it helped introduce me to different brands as well at a time when I felt like I was in a bit of a rut, buying from the same kind of shops. I really appreciated having your extra eyes on things.

I’d love to wrap things up with you sharing a personal story that relates to your own body confidence journey

Selina: I’m Chinese and I grew up in England and whenever I went for holidays as a child to Hong Kong, it was awful. The Chinese are very blunt and very direct, and they’ll tell you what they think! So basically, they would say to me that I was fat or that I’d put on weight. I don’t think they meant it in the harsh way it came out! Chinese people tend to be very slim, and all the sizes are pretty small. So, whenever I went it was just a nightmare.

First of all, I’d be preparing myself for these comments, and then whenever I bought clothes, they would be extra-large or extra extra large, but in England I was probably a medium or something like that. It was depressing! And I think I carried that with me for quite a while, because I’m not a slim Chinese woman. I’m medium and I’m average if I look at myself from an English perspective, so for me that was always a struggle.

It definitely left a bit of an impact on me. I always found myself not feeling comfortable with my body size and shape. But when I lost weight, my parents would say to me, “Oh you don’t look good!” They want weight because in the old Chinese days actually having some weight was good because it was safer, and you’d survive through famine and things like that.

So, for me it has been a lot of work. I’ve worked on weight issues. I’ve worked on feeling confident. I find that I do sometimes flip flop a bit. It’s really about being conscious of it and knowing that I do feel healthier, fitter and stronger when I eat well and do more exercise.

I think that’s more important to me actually than the weight now, and I think that reflects in my clothes and how I wear my clothes as well. I feel more confident in that respect. It does take time and it takes effort. But I have changed my diet a lot and I take supplements and I exercise, and that gives me confidence to feel good in clothes. Especially if I’m speaking on stage, it does help when I’m feeling confident.

So that’s a wrap! Selina and I hope you’ve enjoyed our chat and have taken away some golden nuggets to bring into your own life.

If you’re interested in connecting with Selina further, she regularly holds workshops. To find out when the next one will be, CLICK HERE to visit her website and under programs you’ll find all her upcoming events.

professional

The Power of a Professional

By | Body Confidence

The following is a blog post written by my client Ilana Jankowitz. Ilana shares from her heart about her experience of working with me and the positive impact it’s had on her life and her body confidence. I hope you enjoy it…

If you’ve ever read my story on my website, you’ll know that I grew up around a lot of scarcity.

My scarcity beliefs came with some deep routed traumas and growing up my fear around money felt very real. My childhood experience of spending came with extremes that swung wildly between lack and indulgence.

Not surprisingly, when I was finally old enough to control my own money, I found myself overcompensating and operating from a place of fear of not having enough.

Thank goodness I found money coaching!

Through my own coaching journey, I’ve dedicated a lot of time to working through the blocks and attachment I had to scarcity, and now have a different, healthier mindset. This is why I continue to do the work, because I believe we’re all constantly creating money stories.

I’m a completely different person now and see prosperity and abundance in every area of my life. The transformation has been nothing short of miraculous.

Which is why a recent experience completely knocked me sideways!

I needed help!

I’m currently having a beautiful new website made and a while back decided that I really wanted some new images. I don’t like having my photo taken at the best of times, but the idea of having professional images that would be out in the public domain started getting me into a bit of a spin.

I felt completely stressed out and my head was filled with all sorts of thoughts…

“I can’t wear that anymore!”

“I can’t wear black.”

“I feel fat – maybe I should wait until I lose some weight.”

“Shopping is so stressful, I hate it!”

Can you relate?

Eventually I decided enough was enough. I knew I needed professional help with my wardrobe dilemma, so I reached out to Monika Mueller from Signature Five.

Professionals are a godsend

Monika is now my fashion angel! She strikes a wonderful balance between being extremely professional but incredibly kind and approachable. Her softly spoken warmth and vast knowledge of fashion immediately puts me at ease. There’s something so calming about knowing you’re in the safe hands of someone who really knows their stuff.

On our first call I explained to Monika that I had a photoshoot coming up. We chatted about what I needed and wanted, but honestly, I had no idea about either! I didn’t have a clue about what colours I like, styles I like or what even suits me.

Not fazed by my lack of knowing, Monika took over and got to work creating mood boards and searching stores online for the perfect pieces to fit my needs. I cannot tell you the relief I felt – Monika made the entire experience so unbelievably easy and stress-free for me. She gave me back hours and hours of time that I could instead use focusing on my business.

Once Monika finished her selection, she sent me links to each item so I could go ahead and make my purchases. In the end I ordered two sizes of everything because I didn’t even know my size – no joke!

What on earth is happening to me!

That night, purchases made, I suddenly woke up at 3am in a complete panic!

“What have I done!”

“Why am I overindulging!”

“Why am I spending money on myself!”

“Why didn’t I just buy one item or do my photos for the website another time!”

And then the big one hit me…

“This is a luxury, and I DON’T DESERVE IT!”

I couldn’t believe the fear and flood of scarcity and lack that came up.

I’m sharing this because I don’t believe for one minute that I’m the only one that experiences feelings like this. Through my years as a money coach it’s something that comes up time and time again. But what really shocked me was that I thought I’d dealt with these feelings!

With knowledge comes calm

The next morning, with my head still in a spin, I took myself off for a walk in the forest to give myself a good talking too!

Dropping out of my head and the noise of my ego, I could finally hear all the things that I knew were true. That I’m okay. I have more than enough to do this. I’m worthy. I’m abundant. I’m deserving. I’m confident and want to show up and be seen.

All the money work I’ve done over the years allowed me to shift my mind from fear and panic into truth. And, knowing that I was in such safe and professional hands with Monika, calmed me and gave me security that the purchases I’d made were an investment in me and my business.

I want you to ask yourself right now…

  • Do you deprive yourself of living abundantly?
  • How often do you miss out on going to wonderful events because you believe you have nothing to wear?
  • Do you allow yourself to dress as the successful woman you are/are working to become?
  • Do you hate shopping like I did and want a fashion angel like Monika to support you?

Working with a professional like Monika has been lifechanging for me. Before this experience I would rather have gone to the dentist than shop, that’s how much I hated it!

But I’m so excited I made the decision to reach out for Monika’s help. The signature style we’re creating together feels perfect for me and my lifestyle. Monika’s inside-out approach to styling has helped elevate my confidence to new levels and I couldn’t be happier.

We all deserve to feel confident in our bodies and look our best. I’ve waited a lifetime for this experience – please don’t wait so long!

If, like Ilana, you’re ready to feel confident and elevate your style in your career/business, come and join me for my upcoming masterclass. You can register here for: “Ditch the Dullness: 3 Zero-Cost Secrets to Catapult your Style from Boring to Influential” and I can’t wait to see you there!

weight gain

How to Feel Confident After Weight Gain

By | Body Confidence

I’ve noticed that over the last year my weight keeps fluctuating, and every time it goes up my confidence takes a bit of a knock. It would be super easy to blame COVID lockdown or the lack of sleep I’ve been getting because I have two little ones. And, while those things are real, I recognise that if I’m honest with myself they’re also excuses.

And I know I’m not alone. We all look for all sorts of reasons outside of ourselves for why we feel the way we do.

I recently had a client who shared with me that she keeps wearing the same clothes over and over. She’s been stuck at home, has gained weight and it’s really knocked her confidence. So much so that she now tries to avoid going anywhere where she might need to dress up.

Lacking confidence because of weight gain is such a common scenario for women. And while, for sure, the pandemic hasn’t helped, we can’t hang our hats solely on that for the reason why.

I’ll let you in on a secret…

Confidence is an inside job! No pandemic, children, job, relationship or anything else can make us feel unconfident or, on the flip side, confident. While it might look like those things contribute to how we feel, the truth is they just don’t have that power over us!

How we feel begins and ends with the thoughts we have that we hold on to and then create an experience of. Holding on to a whole host of negative thoughts and beliefs about ourselves can have a knock-on effect with so many different areas of our lives. This is exactly what was happening with my client that I mentioned. She avoided meeting family or friends because of what she thought about her body and clothes, which in turn impacted her confidence.

Be gentle

First and foremost, I want to really encourage you to be gentle with yourself and take care of you. We can often have the tendency to not love ourselves fully when we don’t look a particular way.

When we find ourselves in that place our internal dialogue can become critical and harsh. We start saying things to ourselves that we wouldn’t dream of saying to our kids or friends, so why do we think it’s ok to say them to ourselves?

It’s ok to acknowledge that some areas might need improving. But we need to remember that it’s a two-way relationship. We need to treat our bodies with love and kindness and gratitude. When you think about it, your body already does so much – criticising it will do nothing for your self-esteem or motivation.

Reality check!

For most people, having clothes in their wardrobe that no longer fit makes them feel worse.

So, first things first, you need to have a reality check and see what fits you.

Anything that doesn’t fit you at the moment, I want you to put those clothes aside. Or better still put them in a box or somewhere you can’t see them.

BUT…

If you’ve gained a lot of weight over a long period of time, then I urge you to start thinking about giving these clothes away.

Clothes that no longer serve you but are still hanging in your wardrobe don’t encourage you to feel good about yourself and are not good for your sanity. Seeing items every morning that don’t fit anymore is not the best way to start your day. In fact, it’s a sure-fire way to start beating yourself up before your day has even started.

So, they need to go!

Pack them up and either donate them to charity or give them to someone you know will get use out of them.

After you’ve cleared out the clothes that aren’t serving you right now, look at what’s left. Decide what you want to add that will help you feel good about your wardrobe and give you a few different options, so it won’t feel like you’re always wearing the same clothes.

Make a shopping list of possible items and then buy a few that, when you think about them, you feel good about your outer appearance.

I’ll do it when…

Something I often hear is women saying that they’ll join my program once they’ve lost weight.

While of course there are always exceptions to every rule, I can honestly say that in all my time as a personal stylist, rare is the woman who actually gets to her ideal weight while she’s waiting! Instead, a common pattern is that they get stuck in a cycle of not feeling good about themselves and wearing clothes that don’t lift them up either. This often causes overeating and doing less, which just perpetuates the cycle.

In my experience, when clients who are carrying extra weight invest time in their outer appearance and learn how to dress for the body they have right now, the weight actually comes off more quickly and easily.

Honestly – it’s like magic!

Because they’re feeling good about themselves and want to have more of that feel good factor, they’re naturally inspired to start taking better care of themselves.

Having clothes we actually like wearing and feel amazing in makes the world of difference to every woman. Looking and feeling great whatever the scales say, can’t help but raise our confidence and ignite our self-love.

If you’re someone whose shape has changed, it’s time to start exploring how to dress your body as it is right now. To find out how to do this, and start using your clothes to your advantage, join my ‘How to Dress for Your Body’ masterclass. CLICK HERE to register.